I write this today not as a tell all of the issues I have lost sleep over and for others to feel pity but in hopes that writing my feelings down gives me some sort of peace and encouragement. You can only live in a state of denial for so long until reality overtakes it and feelings come crashing down with it. This week's roller coaster of up and down feelings has me landed and feeling overwhelmed with resentment and hard feelings.
The peak of my roller coaster came this weekend. My life always feels more tranquil and easy during the weekends as all my cares stay locked up in my office (or so it seems). Not saying that is where all my problems come from, in fact, that is probably close to the bottom of the list but it just seems like when I walk out of that door on a Friday afternoon all my issues are forgotten and all I can think about is what kind of fun Max and I can get into. Then when I return on Monday they are waiting for me staring in my face. I don't know if it was the super moon of the weekend that had me feeling just an overwhelming sense of happiness and appreciating every little aspect and detail of the weekend but I felt so calm. It was a fun but relaxing Saturday afternoon and evening with friends where we sat outside with the kids watching Finding Nemo on their projection screen as the sun went down drinking a tequila sunrise. Then we woke up the Sunday morning and went for an late morning/early afternoon swim with more friends then I deep cleaned the house (I have stated before cleaning does release endorphins). But it was the drive into my sisters house for family dinner driving over the mountain that seemed the most tranquil. At the top of the mountain I felt on top of the world surrounded by the lush greenery of the mountains around me and far in the distance and the sun was just beginning to set and orange glow was hitting the mountainside brightening the colors of the landscape. I remember thinking to myself as I looked out the window at the beautiful scenery that was what life was supposed to be and how happy and lucky I was and how easy, carefree, and fun my life was that nothing could bring me down from my mountaintop. And as if I wasn't appreciative enough of all the details of my life at that moment, following a great and fun dinner with my family when we got home Max caught his first firefly (even though it was past bath time). I don't know if I had just ignored them until now or if they hadn't been around much this year but he didn't even know what they were so seeing him making the discovery, the image was stuck in my head the rest of the evening.
But when the dust all settled from the craziness of Monday into Monday evening and Tuesday morning I became restless almost instantly in the middle of the night. Panic had all the sudden overtaken my tranquility from the weekend and I felt alone, no longer at the top of the mountain, instead a cave of darkness and uncertainty. The realization that not only am I in this parenting thing by myself, feeding, clothing, waking up in the morning, putting a Band-Aid on a skinned knee, taking to the Dr., etc. it was beginning to look like it was all going to fall on me monetarily as well. I lied in bed thinking about how I was going to provide for my child and still have a roof over his head and a place to go while I was at work trying to provide and how I would be able to continue to put food on the table and clothing on his back, it all became overwhelming. The divorce has been official for a little over a year now but my resentment shifted a long while ago to the hard feelings my child was feeling instead of the ones I felt. He is the innocent and never deserves any of it. And unfortunately he can sense when things are not right with me as he soon let me know throwing a massive indecisive fit about a bike ride yesterday evening. He felt panic after he got his helmet and pads on and once his eyes fixed on the pedals knowing that responsibility would be all his own. My mother made me realize last night he is so afraid to disappoint it was too much for him at the time. And yesterday became the lowest point of the roller coaster earlier in the day when my panic began to seep into my work life making issues that should have been minute feel like climbing that mountain crawling and scratching. Nothing seemed to be going my way and I was determined to throw my own pity party much like Max did as to not subject anyone else to my mess. I was able to work hard enough against myself to talk to a co-worker about what was going on and soon afterwards realized that was all the confidence I needed to begin to overcome my anxiety and worry. I was then able to open up to some of my family and friends and let them know how I was feeling slowly (very) melting away the overwhelming sense of panic I was having.
Although I feel much less panic today, I know I still have a long way to go in adjusting to the reality of a single parent and overcoming the resentment and hard feelings I still have. I just hope I can get back to the top of that mountain again soon and feel as much peace as I felt this weekend.
