Max,
I start to write this post 3 months before your 4th birthday becoming starkly aware of what your presence means to me fearing that if I don't take the time to put it into words now I'm not sure if I will know how to.
I don't know where I would be in this world if it wasn't for you. Although you are completely innocent, you are more strong than I could ever be. You may be unaware of your strength and what your presence means but you are there with me all the time even when we aren't together. I have leaned on you in times when I didn't think my life was worth living other than the sheer knowledge of your existence and how much you needed me. I know I am not alone in saying your smile could wipe away a million tears. You have a higher meaning here on earth and although I am unaware of what that means now I believe its true. Our family would not be whole without you, you are the glue that keeps us together knowing we have no choice but to be your role models and saviors on earth. Although I never want you to feel the hardships I have been through, I want you to know that every pain I have felt has made me and you who we are today. I know I wouldn't be the person and mother I am without it. The love I feel for you can never be duplicated. You are and always will be one of a kind.
I cannot believe it has been almost a year since meningitis. All the days, hours, and minutes we spent in the hospital only brought me closer to you in a time when we both needed it. It gave me more patience and strength than I ever knew I had and made me truly understand what you needed from me as a parent. I cherish our in depth discussions about love, life, nature, and learning during our travel time in the mornings, evenings, and occasional road trips. I believe this will always be our special bonding time. I feel your knowledge, expressions, and feelings are not that of a typical 4 year old and you amaze me every day. Our unspoken words can also sometimes mean more than anything normal feelings can express. I can only hope one day someone will understand your needs and wants as much as I do. You are and always will be the love of my life as I didn't know the true meaning of that until you. I fall more and more in love with you every day. You have taught me more about love and life in your 4 years of existence than my entire 31 years. I hope we never cease to learn from each other and grow together.
I truly understand more and more every day what it is means to be a mother, your mother.
