It seems as though whenever I see someone who truly knows me and my situation as a single parent I always get the "And how are YOU doing?". Most of the time I answer with a "good", sometimes if its a little bit of a rough day its "ok, taking it day by day" with maybe a little description of something that has been challenging. But little is ever said about the struggles parents go though. We want to be seen as we have it together at all times and don't want to be seen as being ungrateful for the most precious gift in our lives. Because he is. As I stated in Max's birthday post, I don't know where I would be without him. He's my rock. But in actuality when people ask me that question, what I am really thinking is well about 90% of the time I'm too busy and going through the motions that I don't even know which way is up but the rest of the 10% of the time I'm so overwhelmed I don't know if I can even pull it off.
It seems the past couple months around the holidays have been particularly difficult for me (and him for other reasons which also further complicates our lives that I won't get into today). And I did want to include all parents in this because it has no bearing on single or couples, mothers or fathers, step-parents, or even stay at home parents or working parents. Each of them struggles at times and I don't even think one category more than others. Its overwhelming knowing its not just you that your decisions or mistakes affect, you are shaping the course for your child's entire life. I remember thinking naming my child when I was pregnant was a huge ordeal thinking this is something he is going to have to life with his entire life. This seems funny to me now. I'm so thankful for the friends and family in my life who keep my going and busy because sometimes down time can be my worst enemy. I didn't even sit down for 9 hours today and didn't feel like I accomplished everything I wanted/needed to. The housework seems never-ending. I definitely know I am not alone in saying my child can wreck one room in about 15 to 30 seconds where it takes me 15 to 30 minutes to pick it up then by the time I turn around and another room is destroyed. Then there is the endless cycle of the cooking, cleaning, laundry that seems like as soon as you get one done you have another. Now I'm not sure if this gets better with age, I'm really starting to think it doesn't given that every year someone has told me "oh it gets easier the older he gets" and every year that never really happens but there is also the constant needs you have to contend with. "Play with me, feed me (all the time), wipe my butt, put on a show or movie, help me with my puzzle, help me color this, read me this book" etc. And the energy is non stop all day every day, no naps, no breaks, no going to the bathroom alone. Being a parent takes more patience than I ever knew any one person could have. I have to say I am so much more patient since becoming a parent than I was before, I am able to tune things out and not sweat the small stuff and even some of the big stuff I know I have no control over but I still don't feel likes its enough and he gets the brunt of it when I'm particularly frustrated and impatient. And I'm constantly worried about how the things I say or do will affect him. Am I affectionate enough? Is he watching too much TV? Am I too lenient or too strict? Does he listen to me as much as a normal child? Is he eating enough? Is he respectful enough of other people? Should I drink in front of him? Did I just say a cuss word in front of him? Was the punishment I just gave him warranted? Did I spend enough time with him today? Did I handle his whining effectively? I could go on for days. And lately I have been struggling with the balance between good guy/bad guy. How much is too much bad guy and not enough good guy and vice versa? Then of course there is work and financial struggles but I won't even go into that.
I do wish more people talked about their struggles as parents. We all have them and doesn't make us less of a parent to admit that we get frustrated or struggle. Every parent and child is different and there are so many uncertainties in parenting. Am I doing it right? I don't know... but its like I told my mother earlier "I know I am doing the best I can but doesn't make it less difficult or like I can't do something different or better." She said "You are doing the best you can, you just have to take it one day at a time."
