Women are from Pluto?! Men are from Uranus?!

I thought the use of Pluto here since its not really a planet and Uranus, for obvious reasons, would be the best fit in this title.

There have been several studies lately relating to the brain function of men and women.  It has now been said that women have a more white matter and think more with their whole brains better than men due to the extended network of brain processors the white matter provides and men have more grey matter, 4% more brain cells, and think more with their left sides of their brains. No wonder we tend to over analyze everything and men can't multi-task.  Women also have a deeper limbic system in the brain than men which controls feelings and emotions.  This is also why men aren't as "in touch" with their feelings as women.  See guys, you really do have an excuse.  It has also been thought that men must have a larger section of the brain that produced more aggression than women but it has been discovered that women are equal in that aspect but assert their aggression in language with the better language skills from all that white matter.  So this is why men tend to be more physically aggressive (which we won't complain about in the bedroom right ladies?) and women have a tendency to say cutting word like "You are selfish!" when arguing.  But, this is not supposed to be a science lesson, more like satirical stereotyping.

Let me start by saying, this does not at all reflect anyone other than what I have experienced myself.  Don't get your panties in a wad if you feel like this is about you, find comfort that I'm not using your name and if you take offense to this and are that "self-centered" to think it is all about you we may need to re-evaluate our friendship anyways.  Also, I tried to make this as even as possible.

Women and men, its okay to agree to disagree to end an argument.  This by no means admits defeat on either side and (women) this does not mean that your man is necessarily mad.

Women, if your man says after an argument everything is fine, let it go, do not bring it up again.  Go about your normal life, sleep in your normal place with your arm around his chest.

Women, if your man says nothing is wrong then nothing is wrong.  Stop asking.  Are you sure nothing is wrong?  Well, now it is because you won't shut up asking me.

Men, if you are angry about something that was not done correctly or to your standards say your peace and be done with it.  Feel free to laugh about your woman accidentally making your underwear pink in the laundry because after its done there is nothing she can do about it and your yelling does not change that.  I'm sure she has learned her lesson and will be happy to buy you more.

Women, just because your man doesn't want to hold your hand or kiss you in public does not mean he loves you any less.  He just doesn't have that brain functionality as I explained earlier and is afraid to get his man card revoked.

Women and men, do not compare your significant other or relationship to anyone else's.  Its annoying.  That's great your girlfriend's husband brings home flowers once a week for his wife.  Flowers die.  And I appreciate that your best friend's wife packs his lunch and has dinner ready for him every night when he gets home.  I would love to do that for you but cooking and doing house chores won't necessarily pay the bills.

Women, men are not mind readers.  In fact, they are completely opposite.  Sometimes you even have to point out the obvious.  I cannot emphasize this enough.  Your man doesn't know you need help doing the dishes or running the kids somewhere without you telling them and even then you might have to tell them exactly where to put the dishes and exactly where the soccer field is because like I said, sometimes you have to point out the obvious.  Which brings me to...

Men, before going straight to the asking where something is or goes, use common sense.  In the time it takes you to come ask me and me to tell you the extra diapers are in the closet or the baby lotion is in the far left basket on the top shelf of the changing table you probably could have found it yourself.

Women, if you are going to cry about dumb things like movies or breaking a nail don't expect your man to make you feel better.  Furthermore, emotions should try to be contained during arguments as men find this annoying.  Its not a good weapon and doesn't work because they suck at dealing with women who are emotional.

Men, when we are telling you about a problem with our family or at work, etc we probably just want you to listen.  If we specifically ask for your opinion, you might want to check and make sure we really want your opinion then go ahead and give it to us.  But that is the only occasion where we want your opinion on what to do, otherwise, just listen and look sympathetic.  You don't have to fix everything you come in contact with.

Women, we know we talk a lot.  A really lot!  Don't expect men to listen to everything you say as long as they act like they are.  Just the important things, and make sure to outline that it is important and keep it simple.  And remember what I said about men only using one side of their brain and not being good at multi-tasking?  Well, I suggest if its important you not tell him while hes doing anything else (especially watching TV).

Men, do not expect women to be as logical as you are.  That's why you are a left brain thinker.  The reason being is best summarized in this article.  "It can only compare like things quantitatively and then apply pre-established rules to produce a result or decision. It is a powerful tool in its sphere, but its sphere is limited and completely uncreative."  There are two key components you see here that us women do not do, 1.  rules, 2.  uncreative (Why do you think Pintrest is so popular?).

Men, it only takes 2 minutes after you groom yourself and get rid of all the hair and nail clippings, etc on the bathroom counter.  Just remember, we could start leaving tampons all over (hopefully no one I know already does that).

Men, you are not dying when you are sick.  Remember when I had the same virus and still got up, got the kids to school, got the kids to soccer, got dinner ready, etc.  If you are going to whine and complain, just stay in bed and don't bother us until you are better.

Men, if you are going to fart on me just remember me doing it to you is fair game.  Its better than the alternative (see South Park season 13 episode 4).

Women, if you say you are "fine", men take it literally.  If you are not "fine" say so then and resolve the problem before it escalates.  As stated above, men are not mind readers and a lot of times the things we see as obvious are not to them and never will be no matter how many times we pout and huff and puff around the house. 

Men, do not use women for the sole blame for your not getting any.  More often, you are too tired, stressed, or possibly having physical issues that we care not to embarrass you about.  Subsequently...

Women, do not use sex as a weapon.  If you are abstaining, do not expect your man to abstain as well from the use of porn, looking a little too hard at the neighbor walking to get the paper in her sexy nightgown, talking a little too long with the mail lady with the big rack, or for more serious offenders finding it elsewhere. 

Women, its not a "compromise" if you are not doing any of the compromising. We tend to over use this word or use it when its not valid.  Furthermore, there are some things that will never been compromised and we just have to learn to accept that.

Men, be up front and honest about your feelings towards any particular situation.  It's okay to sometimes treat your girlfriend's feelings like she is fragile but not when it comes at the extent of your beliefs and happiness.  In other words, in these situations find a happy medium between being an asshole and a pussy.  If you don't want to take professional pictures in matching Christmas sweaters for you and the dogs then speak up. 

Women, you have the common misconception that we can change men.  Men are by no means exempt from this as well as they can try to change women too (i.e. turn a hoe into a housewife).  If you cannot learn to live with the imperfections and idiosyncrasies of the other person, you need to go ahead and move on to the next. 

And most importantly, women and men, let the past be just that.  Your past relationships, arguments, and problems should never have anything to do with your present and future with your significant other.  This is probably the #1 ruiner of relationships.  Every relationship molds you into what you do and don't want in your next relationship but that by no means is a reason to stalk your current boyfriend because your past one cheated on you.  Or any time there is an argument bringing up how your girlfriend embarrassed you while she was drunk and picked a fight with you at a party.  Learn to accept them for who they are or what they/or exes may have done and move on from these things or move on from the relationship. 

I feel like I have become very wise in my years of relationships and hope I continue to gain knowledge of how men and women's minds work.  We are definitely very different creatures, aliens from different planets who converge in the name of companionship and the hope to find someone to drive you crazy for the rest of your life. 

Not the blue goal?

I have recently become a soccer mom (although not sure if I really fit the soccer mom persona) to a not even 3 year old yet and I tell you what, it is the absolute cutest darn thing I have ever seen.  Pure chaos and bundles of energy running in every direction but the right one, balls going in the wrong goal, tripping over their own feet, all while the coaches and parents are yelling directions.  I have also learned that this can be a little much for a little guy (or girl) to handle as Max had the most tale telling pouty look on his face from the moment we stepped onto the field to the time we left that day. 

For a kid who always rolls with the punches, even traveled 12 straight hours in one day the week before with little protest, I have to say I was somewhat shocked and embarrassed.  Of course as a parent you think "what am I doing wrong?" when your child acts bratty and whiny and it can be hard to train yourself how to not make it a reflection of what you are doing or have done and more of finding out what is going on in that little mind of theirs.  But even for such a verbal little fellow who frequently talks about feelings with me when I asked him what his problem was (may have been through gritted teeth) he couldn't say anything at all.  It was all overwhelming.  We literally had just found out 4 days earlier that he was going to get to play, had his first practice one day later and then his first game.  He had just gotten his new gear including shiny new soccer ball that afternoon before and wait a minute, another kid kicked my ball during warm ups?  Kid, you are pushing your luck, that ball has my name on it.  "M-A-X marks the spot" as he says.  And everyone else has these pretty green shirts they are wearing.  And then what's the deal with this whole different group of kids wearing different color shirts?  Who the hell are they and who told them they could kick our ball?  And what happened to having several balls at once (like practice)?  And then as he told me "I want to kick it into the blue goal, not the red one!"  And then the sharing aspect is totally blown out of the water.  You mean to tell me Mom, you have been telling me we have to share all my life and now you can just run up to whomever has the ball and take it from them?  But only after the whistle blows?  But then when the whistle blows it has to be our turn to kick it first?  What if I want to kick it before the whistle blows?  What do you mean I can't do that?  I just want to kick the ball.  "Where is Grayson?  I just want to play with my friend." I told you I wanted to kick it into the blue one, why are you trying to get me to kick it into the red one?  Where is he going with the ball?  And I still haven't gotten to kick the ball.  What do you mean we won?  "I just want to go home!" 

I have to say, the whole 30 or 45 minutes or however long it lasted (I have no idea since I was dealing with cranky pants the whole time) was just no fun.  I would say his total playing time (after much encouragement) was approximately 4 minutes.  I blame myself for a lot of it.  Max does very well when he is told what is going to happen.  That's always the first thing he asks when we get in the car "Where are we going?  What are we going to do?"  Looking back, he probably needed a little bit more detail and insight rather than "to the soccer game".  I feel kind of like a Dora the Explorer episode most of the time when I tell him (on the trip to Colorado for instance) we are going "in Cici's car to the airport, where we ride a shuttle to the airplane we fly in, then a train (tram) to get our luggage, then a bus though the mountains, to Ryan's rental car, which will take us to Aunt Di's rental house" but that way he knew what to expect and when and therefore did fine.  There wasn't much talk about what happens at a soccer game leading up to the soccer game.  I also have since recorded a soccer game on TV which I am hoping I can keep his attention on just for 5 minutes while I explain some things. 

And of course ultimately if he decides he doesn't want to play he doesn't have to but I do think its important for him to try and try lots of different things too.  Organized sports taught me a lot about comradery, ups and downs, "how to overcome adversity", time management, and how important structure is in a young person's life and I would love nothing more than my son to have a better understanding of these things.