Father's Day

As Father's Day wraps up, I really have mixed feelings for today.  Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful dad and grandfather who I love very much who still continue to do anything and everything he can for us every day but there is still something missing in my heart today.  I also feel like I need to apologize to you two for my unenthusiasm for this day, it has been more difficult than I had anticipated. 

I really can't believe I made it through this whole father's day without having to field any questions or feelings with Max about his father.  I don't know if he wanted to avoid it as much as I did or if he just never put two and two together that we were celebrating Father's Day.  I feel bad for avoiding it now, what if he was struggling with it in silence (just like his mother) and needed to talk about it?  Or has he accepted the fact that his family is different?  Obviously I still haven't.  My only hope is that one day this gets easier.  I know we aren't the only family who is different or struggles with this on holidays such as this, in fact, I have taken solace in interacting with families who do have a different nuclear make up and talking about the differences as such with Max.  I want him to know we are not alone and not all families now a days are how it is depicted in teaching or movies but that doesn't make it any different and less loving. 

One thing this whole experience has given me is a greater appreciation for good, active dads.  When I hear dads I know say things like "I can't imagine not seeing my child all the time" or "My child is my whole life", they take on a whole new meaning for me.  In my mind I'm thinking, you made a conscience decision to feel this way about your child and you don't have to so I applaud you since his dad obviously made the choice not to.  Or like this weekend when I saw three different friends (dads) who have children interact with each other, playing, loving, comforting, and being affectionate unaware I was the creeper studying this behavior because of my deep appreciation for it.  The darker part of my mind still feels hurt when I see these interactions because my son may never have the opportunity to experience this.  And my Facebook newsfeed was littered with Father's Day posts.  Collages, pictures of husbands, dads, grandfathers, step-fathers, everyone showing their love and admiration for the men in their lives.  I tried to keep up and go through and like the ones I saw, feeling the same appreciation they had, especially the ones who I knew well but I know I couldn't get them all.  But I also felt bitterness, sadness, jealousy and resentment in looking at them.  What did Max do to deserve to just be discarded?  (rhetoric)

But I have also come to realize through these interactions, the unconditional love you feel for your child is not a conscience decision which makes the notion of our reality still a mystery.  However, I know he is well taken care of in myself, my family, friends, and the small village it takes to raise him.