As I look into the eyes and mind of my 5 year old, I realize what a lifetime two years seems like to him. Almost half of his life here, his development in mind and body these past two years has turned him into a totally different person. He is independent, he is grounded, he is respectful, he listens, he learns, he loves so freely and openly, he is truly amazing. My partner in life and crime and anyone who has been around us knows how much we need and love each other.
He has learned to dress himself, write his name and some other words, reads starter books, memories songs (some after hearing once I don't even realize he knows), understands grammar, verb tenses and plurals, can do simple math problems, can catch a ball and throw one on target, makes his bed, brushes his own teeth and hair, understands rules to games, loves to help me do stuff around the house, opens things by himself, makes popcorn in the microwave by himself (with my eyes on him), makes his bed, understands emotions and expresses them, shows empathy for others, stands up for what he believes in. His hair has darkened, his chin and cheekbones have sharpened, his feet have grown and officially stink like an old man's after wearing his shoes all day, has boney elbows and knees, and defined stomach muscles.
I can't imagine a life with two days without him, let alone two years. I don't understand how a parent could willingly do that. First day of school, first baseball practice, scoring his first soccer goal, 730 days, 10 baseball games, 14 basketball games, 19 soccer games, 2 birthdays, 2 Christmases, one hospital stay, one ER visit, countless scrapes and bruises, countless hugs and kisses. I'm so thankful for the male influences he does have around him like PaPaw, Carson, Harley, Daniel, Jason, Jonathan. I know he knows in his heart something is missing as we have had several discussions after questions being asked. How do you explain to a child its not his fault? That he is wanted? That his other family members aren't going to abandon him? The only painful reminder that remains is a picture in his bedroom, otherwise I'm unsure if he would know what he even looks like.
He reminds me so much of mysefl when I was little, a people pleaser, loves animals, hates chocolate, very sensitive, devastates him to get in trouble. He doesn't understand the significance of this day but I do. The past two years have taken a toll on me emotionally, physically, monetarily. But worth every second, every hug, every tear with my little man.
Max
Monday, April 6, 2015
Monday, June 16, 2014
Father's Day
As Father's Day wraps up, I really have mixed feelings for today. Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful dad and grandfather who I love very much who still continue to do anything and everything he can for us every day but there is still something missing in my heart today. I also feel like I need to apologize to you two for my unenthusiasm for this day, it has been more difficult than I had anticipated.
I really can't believe I made it through this whole father's day without having to field any questions or feelings with Max about his father. I don't know if he wanted to avoid it as much as I did or if he just never put two and two together that we were celebrating Father's Day. I feel bad for avoiding it now, what if he was struggling with it in silence (just like his mother) and needed to talk about it? Or has he accepted the fact that his family is different? Obviously I still haven't. My only hope is that one day this gets easier. I know we aren't the only family who is different or struggles with this on holidays such as this, in fact, I have taken solace in interacting with families who do have a different nuclear make up and talking about the differences as such with Max. I want him to know we are not alone and not all families now a days are how it is depicted in teaching or movies but that doesn't make it any different and less loving.
One thing this whole experience has given me is a greater appreciation for good, active dads. When I hear dads I know say things like "I can't imagine not seeing my child all the time" or "My child is my whole life", they take on a whole new meaning for me. In my mind I'm thinking, you made a conscience decision to feel this way about your child and you don't have to so I applaud you since his dad obviously made the choice not to. Or like this weekend when I saw three different friends (dads) who have children interact with each other, playing, loving, comforting, and being affectionate unaware I was the creeper studying this behavior because of my deep appreciation for it. The darker part of my mind still feels hurt when I see these interactions because my son may never have the opportunity to experience this. And my Facebook newsfeed was littered with Father's Day posts. Collages, pictures of husbands, dads, grandfathers, step-fathers, everyone showing their love and admiration for the men in their lives. I tried to keep up and go through and like the ones I saw, feeling the same appreciation they had, especially the ones who I knew well but I know I couldn't get them all. But I also felt bitterness, sadness, jealousy and resentment in looking at them. What did Max do to deserve to just be discarded? (rhetoric)
But I have also come to realize through these interactions, the unconditional love you feel for your child is not a conscience decision which makes the notion of our reality still a mystery. However, I know he is well taken care of in myself, my family, friends, and the small village it takes to raise him.
I really can't believe I made it through this whole father's day without having to field any questions or feelings with Max about his father. I don't know if he wanted to avoid it as much as I did or if he just never put two and two together that we were celebrating Father's Day. I feel bad for avoiding it now, what if he was struggling with it in silence (just like his mother) and needed to talk about it? Or has he accepted the fact that his family is different? Obviously I still haven't. My only hope is that one day this gets easier. I know we aren't the only family who is different or struggles with this on holidays such as this, in fact, I have taken solace in interacting with families who do have a different nuclear make up and talking about the differences as such with Max. I want him to know we are not alone and not all families now a days are how it is depicted in teaching or movies but that doesn't make it any different and less loving.
One thing this whole experience has given me is a greater appreciation for good, active dads. When I hear dads I know say things like "I can't imagine not seeing my child all the time" or "My child is my whole life", they take on a whole new meaning for me. In my mind I'm thinking, you made a conscience decision to feel this way about your child and you don't have to so I applaud you since his dad obviously made the choice not to. Or like this weekend when I saw three different friends (dads) who have children interact with each other, playing, loving, comforting, and being affectionate unaware I was the creeper studying this behavior because of my deep appreciation for it. The darker part of my mind still feels hurt when I see these interactions because my son may never have the opportunity to experience this. And my Facebook newsfeed was littered with Father's Day posts. Collages, pictures of husbands, dads, grandfathers, step-fathers, everyone showing their love and admiration for the men in their lives. I tried to keep up and go through and like the ones I saw, feeling the same appreciation they had, especially the ones who I knew well but I know I couldn't get them all. But I also felt bitterness, sadness, jealousy and resentment in looking at them. What did Max do to deserve to just be discarded? (rhetoric)
But I have also come to realize through these interactions, the unconditional love you feel for your child is not a conscience decision which makes the notion of our reality still a mystery. However, I know he is well taken care of in myself, my family, friends, and the small village it takes to raise him.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
One year ago today...
Writing this post has become a daunting task. I have stopped several times, reread it a million times, erased, deleted and started over, and still can't decide if this is something I want to post or not. I tell this story not for sympathy or to bash him but out of solace for my own sanity. Here goes nothing...
One year ago today...that's when my son last saw his father. I have felt every different emotion I can think of. Although it has been an ongoing struggle for me to not feel blame, this was not a choice made by myself or my child but by him, his father. Whatever issues he and I had have been long gone in my mind for upwards of two years and should never be a factor into him seeing his son so this has become unfathomable in my mind. Not even a phone call for his 4th birthday, his second hospital stay for meningitis, a late night hospital breathing treatment (last night actually), or Christmas. No soccer games or practices, no Christmas program at school, and no tee ball opening day. He is obviously in a place in his life where we are better off without him. I don't feel he would be a healthy influence. But none the less, I can't even describe the pain and anguish I feel for my son. He goes through stages where he has tons of questions and wants to talk about it then stages where he ignores it. I have heard a range of things like when one of his friends asked about his dad "He's at work. He works a lot." or "I don't know where my daddy is and it makes me sad." to "My daddy is not ready to be a daddy but I hope I can tell him how to be one when I see him." He started really asking questions about the end of May last year (at 3 1/2 years old). He did talk to him on Fathers day last year but what followed made it apparent he was feeling more hurt than he knew how to verbalize. It then became a struggle for me to stay positive about his father while making sure to tell him how many other people close to him loved him very much and reassuring him he was not to blame for any of this. But I did it and continue to do so in stride. I have never spoken ill will to Max other than when after talking about his feelings one day I told him my feelings were that it made me angry. I later was told that was ok, it was important for him to hear that so he knew it was ok to be angry (as long as you deal with it in a healthy manner).
We started seeing a therapist together in January this year because he was having periods where he would stop what he was playing with, mope, and go lay on the couch (periods of obvious depression). I struggled with it a long time before deciding I needed to take him to see someone but after seeing this happen multiple times (especially the closer it got to the holidays) I knew something had to be done. I was afraid it would further damage and taint his mind having to talk about something so traumatic with someone he didn't know but looking back I couldn't be happier with my decision. During these depressive periods he had when I asked him what was wrong he would tell me he was sad and most of the time when I was able to get him to open up about it he would tell me "I just really miss my daddy" but sometimes he just wanted to be left alone, not touched, not comforted. Either way, I cried every time. To me, it was way more than anything a normal 4 year old should have to deal with. He is a lot like me, he struggles in silence, rarely in front of others so I was pleasantly surprised when he opened up like he did to a complete stranger in his therapist. It did take him a couple sessions to warm up but after having to cancel one of the sessions during the snow event he said when we were walking in one day, "I really hope we get to talk to Miss Denise today. I really need to talk to her about my daddy." It was so grown coming from his little mouth that I couldn't help but giggle a little.
There has also been anxiety issues that has gone beyond the normal for a child his age. With the exception of his school and a few people's houses he has been going to for years he is constantly not wanting to let me leave his sights out of fear I will never return "like his daddy". Or when he thinks I'm going to leave him in the car, even if I'm just walking around it to let him out. He also has periods similar to panic attacks mainly in the car when we are stuck in traffic or can't seem to get somewhere fast enough for him where he starts hyperventilating and can't really verbalize why. Max has many close female influences in his life but unfortunately not many males. Its funny because when I do see a male friend of mine who takes the time to play with him or talk to him I normally send them a text later on thanking them. They probably think I'm crazy but he doesn't get that and I am more appreciative of that than imaginable. His closest male influences are my brother who lives in California and my best friend who has been in Afghanistan for the past 6 months which further complicates the separation anxiety issue.
It also became apparent in his sessions as his therapist pointed out to me several times that I had a lot of issues I was dealing with as well. My mom has told me more than once in the past year that I was "made to be a single parent" in that it worked for me and I could do it well but believe me that's purely on the surface. I'm 100% exhausted all the time, sleep like a freight train could come plowing through my house and not wake me up, and anyone who has been to my house after work on a week night knows I am moving 90 to nothing from the time my feet hit the floor at our house until the time Max goes to bed. Its not only the physical toll, its a monetary toll (that I won't get into) and emotional toll it takes on your body to be a single parent. I have been asked several times before "How do you do it?" and my answer normally is "I don't have a choice." I'm his everything, he needs me. There are so many days where I just want to stay in bed but I don't have that choice. I don't have sick days, I don't have vacation days. Now I'm not saying I don't get plenty of help from my family. I have no idea where I would be without them but I am his only parent. I solely make the decisions that could affect him for the rest of his life. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm resentful but I'm also thankful, I'm overjoyed, I'm fulfilled.
I have been told more than once this week "Mommy, you are the bestest mommy ever" and that's what makes it all worth it for me. Although this is not where I thought we would be in our lives I know its where we are supposed to be.
One year ago today...that's when my son last saw his father. I have felt every different emotion I can think of. Although it has been an ongoing struggle for me to not feel blame, this was not a choice made by myself or my child but by him, his father. Whatever issues he and I had have been long gone in my mind for upwards of two years and should never be a factor into him seeing his son so this has become unfathomable in my mind. Not even a phone call for his 4th birthday, his second hospital stay for meningitis, a late night hospital breathing treatment (last night actually), or Christmas. No soccer games or practices, no Christmas program at school, and no tee ball opening day. He is obviously in a place in his life where we are better off without him. I don't feel he would be a healthy influence. But none the less, I can't even describe the pain and anguish I feel for my son. He goes through stages where he has tons of questions and wants to talk about it then stages where he ignores it. I have heard a range of things like when one of his friends asked about his dad "He's at work. He works a lot." or "I don't know where my daddy is and it makes me sad." to "My daddy is not ready to be a daddy but I hope I can tell him how to be one when I see him." He started really asking questions about the end of May last year (at 3 1/2 years old). He did talk to him on Fathers day last year but what followed made it apparent he was feeling more hurt than he knew how to verbalize. It then became a struggle for me to stay positive about his father while making sure to tell him how many other people close to him loved him very much and reassuring him he was not to blame for any of this. But I did it and continue to do so in stride. I have never spoken ill will to Max other than when after talking about his feelings one day I told him my feelings were that it made me angry. I later was told that was ok, it was important for him to hear that so he knew it was ok to be angry (as long as you deal with it in a healthy manner).
We started seeing a therapist together in January this year because he was having periods where he would stop what he was playing with, mope, and go lay on the couch (periods of obvious depression). I struggled with it a long time before deciding I needed to take him to see someone but after seeing this happen multiple times (especially the closer it got to the holidays) I knew something had to be done. I was afraid it would further damage and taint his mind having to talk about something so traumatic with someone he didn't know but looking back I couldn't be happier with my decision. During these depressive periods he had when I asked him what was wrong he would tell me he was sad and most of the time when I was able to get him to open up about it he would tell me "I just really miss my daddy" but sometimes he just wanted to be left alone, not touched, not comforted. Either way, I cried every time. To me, it was way more than anything a normal 4 year old should have to deal with. He is a lot like me, he struggles in silence, rarely in front of others so I was pleasantly surprised when he opened up like he did to a complete stranger in his therapist. It did take him a couple sessions to warm up but after having to cancel one of the sessions during the snow event he said when we were walking in one day, "I really hope we get to talk to Miss Denise today. I really need to talk to her about my daddy." It was so grown coming from his little mouth that I couldn't help but giggle a little.
There has also been anxiety issues that has gone beyond the normal for a child his age. With the exception of his school and a few people's houses he has been going to for years he is constantly not wanting to let me leave his sights out of fear I will never return "like his daddy". Or when he thinks I'm going to leave him in the car, even if I'm just walking around it to let him out. He also has periods similar to panic attacks mainly in the car when we are stuck in traffic or can't seem to get somewhere fast enough for him where he starts hyperventilating and can't really verbalize why. Max has many close female influences in his life but unfortunately not many males. Its funny because when I do see a male friend of mine who takes the time to play with him or talk to him I normally send them a text later on thanking them. They probably think I'm crazy but he doesn't get that and I am more appreciative of that than imaginable. His closest male influences are my brother who lives in California and my best friend who has been in Afghanistan for the past 6 months which further complicates the separation anxiety issue.
It also became apparent in his sessions as his therapist pointed out to me several times that I had a lot of issues I was dealing with as well. My mom has told me more than once in the past year that I was "made to be a single parent" in that it worked for me and I could do it well but believe me that's purely on the surface. I'm 100% exhausted all the time, sleep like a freight train could come plowing through my house and not wake me up, and anyone who has been to my house after work on a week night knows I am moving 90 to nothing from the time my feet hit the floor at our house until the time Max goes to bed. Its not only the physical toll, its a monetary toll (that I won't get into) and emotional toll it takes on your body to be a single parent. I have been asked several times before "How do you do it?" and my answer normally is "I don't have a choice." I'm his everything, he needs me. There are so many days where I just want to stay in bed but I don't have that choice. I don't have sick days, I don't have vacation days. Now I'm not saying I don't get plenty of help from my family. I have no idea where I would be without them but I am his only parent. I solely make the decisions that could affect him for the rest of his life. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm resentful but I'm also thankful, I'm overjoyed, I'm fulfilled.
I have been told more than once this week "Mommy, you are the bestest mommy ever" and that's what makes it all worth it for me. Although this is not where I thought we would be in our lives I know its where we are supposed to be.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
People of the mall
One of my co-worker actually suggested I write this one when we were having a discussion about all the legally insane people we see everyday. Of course working with the public anyways you will run into all sorts of different types of people but I don't know what it is about the mall, there seems to be an abundance of really "different" types of people. Some of them we can just look at from afar saying "don't come in here, please don't come in here", sometimes they do anyways, hell sometimes we even get bored and try to provoke an encounter for entertainment purposes. But one thing is for sure, there is never a dull moment.
One of the things we see from time to time here are fights. I can think of 3 separate instances where people of the mall have come to blows. One of them that happened just two weeks ago had to be cleaned up with hazmat type gear from all the blood. It was rumored a couple of the local hockey boys jumped a drunk guy who smarted off to them. He got an expensive ride to the hospital shortly after the incident and when I left for the day there was droplets of blood still all over the floor.
Another fighting instance was in line at the license department satellite office just down the hall from us (also about 15 feet from where the first incident was). I know previously when I had been to renew my tags or get my ID renewed before working here I thought "Good God, would it kill you to smile at me? Is your life that terrible?" but after seeing the things the employees deal with on a daily basis, their life is that terrible and I have major respect for them because it would probably change my outlook on the public and people as well and knowing them on a personal basis now they are actually all good people. Anyways, a fight broke out one day in line at the license department on the last day of the month (because lets be honest, we live in America where the majority of us are procrastinators). The lines literally extend from 50 to 100 feet at any given time on the last day of the month and it was rumored that one person stepped out of line for a "smoke break" then came back and all hell broke loose. It was also rumored said person was drunk which begs the question, why the hell are these people coming to the mall when they are drunk? You can't go to a bar like a normal person? Luckily mall security (Barney Fife) was close by and could escort him from the building which is something I would have liked to witness for entertainment purposes as well.
My last and most favorite fight was a mall walker fight. The majority of the mall walkers are a minimum of 60 years old and the particular ones I am speaking of here are 75+ which makes this even more golden. We had one dirty old man mall walker who would always have to stop at every store and wave at every single employee in the store before he would move to the next but if you were pretty (and blonde) he would make sure to sign to you "I'm watching you" and track you down to get a hug when you left your respected store. He was definitely a pimp and that was confirmed when he had two old ladies take to blows fighting over his affections. No telling what he had done to cause these sweet old ladies to try to knock each others dentures out but entertaining none the less.
We also got told by a security guard one day to be on the lookout for a man who was peeing on people. Apparently this man would just whip it out if he thought you were attractive and pee on your leg as he had already done to a couple female mall employees. I for one was highly offended I was not a victim of the pee bandit. Am I not pretty enough?
And then the man who wanted me to use his mug shot as a source of identification and named off a judge's name he knew "personally". Um...no. Upon further investigation he had actually been arrested 7 times just in the past 6 months mostly for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. I'm sure you do know that judge "personally".
Another man who had just been hanging out all day on the chairs outside came in and asked if anyone had a bible. We said no and he left. He came back shortly later and said "are you sure you don't have a bible?" One of my employees who felt bad for him because of his obvious struggle said "No, but I can look up a scripture for you on my phone if you need it." He said, "Do you just have a piece of paper?" She said "sure" and handed it to him. He wrote on it in front of her "DEVIL" then left with the paper never to return.
Then there is the woman who would come in for hours at a time with hair dye still in her hair who after a little provocation one day told one of my employees "Girl, you ain't a slut, you just like to get your titties sucked!" as she was lewdly rubbing her chest. Not once but twice repeated it. And this was after lifting up her skirt and adjusting her panty hose in the middle of the lobby.
And then the store owner husband and wife duo who likes to take their domestic disputes to the middle of the mall right in front of our window (instead of in the back at their store) with screaming and yelling (in native tongue), finger pointing, and some shoving. This has not been an isolated incident either but they seem to unite when mall security comes and tells them to take it in their store and they start yelling at them in their native tongue.
Walking past the bus stop always seems to be entertaining too although most of the time I try not to make eye contact. A couple months ago I was leaving work for lunch and noticed a couple sitting on the bench waiting for the bus (insert Violent Femmes, "standing on the corner, waiting for the bus"). I started to slow down as I walked past and noticed the woman was loudly yelling at the man so everyone could hear "I have all these people coming up to me at church telling me you drunk and you on drugs and you been going down on 8th to the whore houses. How is that supposed to make me feel (insert name)? Wait a minute, is you high right now? Awww, hell no, you gonna have to find another bus!"
Also, working in an office full of beautiful women feel like I could write a whole separate post on the pick up lines and creepy people who range from wanting to pet/touch our hair, you are "gawgous", staring through the glass doors too long making us duck and crawl to the break room in a dress, telling us they have jungle fever, or that we are the most beautiful women they have ever seen and any guy would be lucky to be with any of us (I guess he just wanted a piece of any of us, didn't matter who).
So just remember, if you are ever walking by we are probably watching to gauge how much crazy you have in you. We notice everything.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Parenting struggles
It seems as though whenever I see someone who truly knows me and my situation as a single parent I always get the "And how are YOU doing?". Most of the time I answer with a "good", sometimes if its a little bit of a rough day its "ok, taking it day by day" with maybe a little description of something that has been challenging. But little is ever said about the struggles parents go though. We want to be seen as we have it together at all times and don't want to be seen as being ungrateful for the most precious gift in our lives. Because he is. As I stated in Max's birthday post, I don't know where I would be without him. He's my rock. But in actuality when people ask me that question, what I am really thinking is well about 90% of the time I'm too busy and going through the motions that I don't even know which way is up but the rest of the 10% of the time I'm so overwhelmed I don't know if I can even pull it off.
It seems the past couple months around the holidays have been particularly difficult for me (and him for other reasons which also further complicates our lives that I won't get into today). And I did want to include all parents in this because it has no bearing on single or couples, mothers or fathers, step-parents, or even stay at home parents or working parents. Each of them struggles at times and I don't even think one category more than others. Its overwhelming knowing its not just you that your decisions or mistakes affect, you are shaping the course for your child's entire life. I remember thinking naming my child when I was pregnant was a huge ordeal thinking this is something he is going to have to life with his entire life. This seems funny to me now. I'm so thankful for the friends and family in my life who keep my going and busy because sometimes down time can be my worst enemy. I didn't even sit down for 9 hours today and didn't feel like I accomplished everything I wanted/needed to. The housework seems never-ending. I definitely know I am not alone in saying my child can wreck one room in about 15 to 30 seconds where it takes me 15 to 30 minutes to pick it up then by the time I turn around and another room is destroyed. Then there is the endless cycle of the cooking, cleaning, laundry that seems like as soon as you get one done you have another. Now I'm not sure if this gets better with age, I'm really starting to think it doesn't given that every year someone has told me "oh it gets easier the older he gets" and every year that never really happens but there is also the constant needs you have to contend with. "Play with me, feed me (all the time), wipe my butt, put on a show or movie, help me with my puzzle, help me color this, read me this book" etc. And the energy is non stop all day every day, no naps, no breaks, no going to the bathroom alone. Being a parent takes more patience than I ever knew any one person could have. I have to say I am so much more patient since becoming a parent than I was before, I am able to tune things out and not sweat the small stuff and even some of the big stuff I know I have no control over but I still don't feel likes its enough and he gets the brunt of it when I'm particularly frustrated and impatient. And I'm constantly worried about how the things I say or do will affect him. Am I affectionate enough? Is he watching too much TV? Am I too lenient or too strict? Does he listen to me as much as a normal child? Is he eating enough? Is he respectful enough of other people? Should I drink in front of him? Did I just say a cuss word in front of him? Was the punishment I just gave him warranted? Did I spend enough time with him today? Did I handle his whining effectively? I could go on for days. And lately I have been struggling with the balance between good guy/bad guy. How much is too much bad guy and not enough good guy and vice versa? Then of course there is work and financial struggles but I won't even go into that.
I do wish more people talked about their struggles as parents. We all have them and doesn't make us less of a parent to admit that we get frustrated or struggle. Every parent and child is different and there are so many uncertainties in parenting. Am I doing it right? I don't know... but its like I told my mother earlier "I know I am doing the best I can but doesn't make it less difficult or like I can't do something different or better." She said "You are doing the best you can, you just have to take it one day at a time."
It seems the past couple months around the holidays have been particularly difficult for me (and him for other reasons which also further complicates our lives that I won't get into today). And I did want to include all parents in this because it has no bearing on single or couples, mothers or fathers, step-parents, or even stay at home parents or working parents. Each of them struggles at times and I don't even think one category more than others. Its overwhelming knowing its not just you that your decisions or mistakes affect, you are shaping the course for your child's entire life. I remember thinking naming my child when I was pregnant was a huge ordeal thinking this is something he is going to have to life with his entire life. This seems funny to me now. I'm so thankful for the friends and family in my life who keep my going and busy because sometimes down time can be my worst enemy. I didn't even sit down for 9 hours today and didn't feel like I accomplished everything I wanted/needed to. The housework seems never-ending. I definitely know I am not alone in saying my child can wreck one room in about 15 to 30 seconds where it takes me 15 to 30 minutes to pick it up then by the time I turn around and another room is destroyed. Then there is the endless cycle of the cooking, cleaning, laundry that seems like as soon as you get one done you have another. Now I'm not sure if this gets better with age, I'm really starting to think it doesn't given that every year someone has told me "oh it gets easier the older he gets" and every year that never really happens but there is also the constant needs you have to contend with. "Play with me, feed me (all the time), wipe my butt, put on a show or movie, help me with my puzzle, help me color this, read me this book" etc. And the energy is non stop all day every day, no naps, no breaks, no going to the bathroom alone. Being a parent takes more patience than I ever knew any one person could have. I have to say I am so much more patient since becoming a parent than I was before, I am able to tune things out and not sweat the small stuff and even some of the big stuff I know I have no control over but I still don't feel likes its enough and he gets the brunt of it when I'm particularly frustrated and impatient. And I'm constantly worried about how the things I say or do will affect him. Am I affectionate enough? Is he watching too much TV? Am I too lenient or too strict? Does he listen to me as much as a normal child? Is he eating enough? Is he respectful enough of other people? Should I drink in front of him? Did I just say a cuss word in front of him? Was the punishment I just gave him warranted? Did I spend enough time with him today? Did I handle his whining effectively? I could go on for days. And lately I have been struggling with the balance between good guy/bad guy. How much is too much bad guy and not enough good guy and vice versa? Then of course there is work and financial struggles but I won't even go into that.
I do wish more people talked about their struggles as parents. We all have them and doesn't make us less of a parent to admit that we get frustrated or struggle. Every parent and child is different and there are so many uncertainties in parenting. Am I doing it right? I don't know... but its like I told my mother earlier "I know I am doing the best I can but doesn't make it less difficult or like I can't do something different or better." She said "You are doing the best you can, you just have to take it one day at a time."
Monday, November 4, 2013
Dating: The Wicked Games We Play
Every now and again I get this grand idea in my head mostly prompted by friends and acquaintances badgering when I plan on getting back out there and dating, "I think I'm ready to start dating again". In my head I'm thinking it would be fun to go on dates and meet new people, maybe reconnect with some old ones, whatever. Being a divorced single mom I realize I may come with a little baggage now so essentially it is harder to find someone who is willing to deal with that but who am I to deny myself the company of someone that does not include my friends, family, or son. Unfortunately though, those thoughts are only short lived and dissipate as fast as they come when I start thinking about all the things that come along with dating. Not to say that I don't love men but relationships are not easy and do I really have the energy for that? Sadly I think not.
There are a lot of guessing games that go along with the beginning of relationships and dating. Everything is new and fun but you really (most of the time) don't know each other that well and is scary at the same time. Everyone is on their best behavior trying to make a good impression. Since its hard to say things or hear things from someone that you may not necessarily want to hear and sometimes those things can be hurtful we tend to keep them inside and are left most of the time not knowing what some one's true feelings are. You start second guessing everything you feel like you know about relationships, sex, and the other sex in general and over analyze every spoken word (or in the modern technological world, unspoken). Everyone has a wall up due to past experiences and fears but lets be honest, men's walls are stronger and hold more in. And of course women analyze more even the smallest things wondering if there is more meaning to what guys are saying (or not saying). Call me crazy but that doesn't seem to be a good combination.
And then there is the "game". What is the game? Are we playing croquet or full contact football or what? I'm not sure I understand the purpose of the game nor do I think I was ever any good at it. Does anyone ever win at this game? More importantly what happens to the loser? Playing "games" with people's heads doesn't exactly sound like a good way to get to know what someone is all about. I think I want to meet the person who started this game so I could punch them in the face.
The only thing I can really say I miss about dating and relationships is having someone on your side you can talk to about the little things that happen in your life.
So to date or not to date? I still shutter at the thought.
There are a lot of guessing games that go along with the beginning of relationships and dating. Everything is new and fun but you really (most of the time) don't know each other that well and is scary at the same time. Everyone is on their best behavior trying to make a good impression. Since its hard to say things or hear things from someone that you may not necessarily want to hear and sometimes those things can be hurtful we tend to keep them inside and are left most of the time not knowing what some one's true feelings are. You start second guessing everything you feel like you know about relationships, sex, and the other sex in general and over analyze every spoken word (or in the modern technological world, unspoken). Everyone has a wall up due to past experiences and fears but lets be honest, men's walls are stronger and hold more in. And of course women analyze more even the smallest things wondering if there is more meaning to what guys are saying (or not saying). Call me crazy but that doesn't seem to be a good combination.
And then there is the "game". What is the game? Are we playing croquet or full contact football or what? I'm not sure I understand the purpose of the game nor do I think I was ever any good at it. Does anyone ever win at this game? More importantly what happens to the loser? Playing "games" with people's heads doesn't exactly sound like a good way to get to know what someone is all about. I think I want to meet the person who started this game so I could punch them in the face.
The only thing I can really say I miss about dating and relationships is having someone on your side you can talk to about the little things that happen in your life.
So to date or not to date? I still shutter at the thought.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Max Parker - a letter for the future
Max,
I start to write this post 3 months before your 4th birthday becoming starkly aware of what your presence means to me fearing that if I don't take the time to put it into words now I'm not sure if I will know how to.
I don't know where I would be in this world if it wasn't for you. Although you are completely innocent, you are more strong than I could ever be. You may be unaware of your strength and what your presence means but you are there with me all the time even when we aren't together. I have leaned on you in times when I didn't think my life was worth living other than the sheer knowledge of your existence and how much you needed me. I know I am not alone in saying your smile could wipe away a million tears. You have a higher meaning here on earth and although I am unaware of what that means now I believe its true. Our family would not be whole without you, you are the glue that keeps us together knowing we have no choice but to be your role models and saviors on earth. Although I never want you to feel the hardships I have been through, I want you to know that every pain I have felt has made me and you who we are today. I know I wouldn't be the person and mother I am without it. The love I feel for you can never be duplicated. You are and always will be one of a kind.
I cannot believe it has been almost a year since meningitis. All the days, hours, and minutes we spent in the hospital only brought me closer to you in a time when we both needed it. It gave me more patience and strength than I ever knew I had and made me truly understand what you needed from me as a parent. I cherish our in depth discussions about love, life, nature, and learning during our travel time in the mornings, evenings, and occasional road trips. I believe this will always be our special bonding time. I feel your knowledge, expressions, and feelings are not that of a typical 4 year old and you amaze me every day. Our unspoken words can also sometimes mean more than anything normal feelings can express. I can only hope one day someone will understand your needs and wants as much as I do. You are and always will be the love of my life as I didn't know the true meaning of that until you. I fall more and more in love with you every day. You have taught me more about love and life in your 4 years of existence than my entire 31 years. I hope we never cease to learn from each other and grow together.
I truly understand more and more every day what it is means to be a mother, your mother.
I start to write this post 3 months before your 4th birthday becoming starkly aware of what your presence means to me fearing that if I don't take the time to put it into words now I'm not sure if I will know how to.
I don't know where I would be in this world if it wasn't for you. Although you are completely innocent, you are more strong than I could ever be. You may be unaware of your strength and what your presence means but you are there with me all the time even when we aren't together. I have leaned on you in times when I didn't think my life was worth living other than the sheer knowledge of your existence and how much you needed me. I know I am not alone in saying your smile could wipe away a million tears. You have a higher meaning here on earth and although I am unaware of what that means now I believe its true. Our family would not be whole without you, you are the glue that keeps us together knowing we have no choice but to be your role models and saviors on earth. Although I never want you to feel the hardships I have been through, I want you to know that every pain I have felt has made me and you who we are today. I know I wouldn't be the person and mother I am without it. The love I feel for you can never be duplicated. You are and always will be one of a kind.
I cannot believe it has been almost a year since meningitis. All the days, hours, and minutes we spent in the hospital only brought me closer to you in a time when we both needed it. It gave me more patience and strength than I ever knew I had and made me truly understand what you needed from me as a parent. I cherish our in depth discussions about love, life, nature, and learning during our travel time in the mornings, evenings, and occasional road trips. I believe this will always be our special bonding time. I feel your knowledge, expressions, and feelings are not that of a typical 4 year old and you amaze me every day. Our unspoken words can also sometimes mean more than anything normal feelings can express. I can only hope one day someone will understand your needs and wants as much as I do. You are and always will be the love of my life as I didn't know the true meaning of that until you. I fall more and more in love with you every day. You have taught me more about love and life in your 4 years of existence than my entire 31 years. I hope we never cease to learn from each other and grow together.
I truly understand more and more every day what it is means to be a mother, your mother.
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